i'm sad

Hello!!!!!!!

I’m back with this crazy post, cause I refused to share this one on facebook.

Last night, saat sedang sholat isya. Suddenly, nangis karena ngerasa dada aku sakit banget. TT Kedengarannya alay, but it happens to me. Bodohnya, I assumed that it connects with someone else’s emotion. Haha gila, I know that. If I rich enough, I’ll go to psikiater asap. I lived with my own opinion about something, that’s why I lost you. Cause in my brain cell, it assumed that you weren’t loved me anymore, that you’ll never introduced me to your family, that your mother won’t support us. That I’ll choose to die, if it happened in the future. So, without thinking, I end it. It hurts you, I know that. I lived with assumption that you are happy with our separation, that you love someone already. But it’s tidak penting lagi, btw untuk kamu. Even if I die, you won’t care.  

I wanna write this one, how I can’t let go my father, I look good outside, but I lived for six years with this empty heart. It sounds crazy, but I hate this city, because it keeps remind me that he’s already gone. I choose to leave this place six years ago, cause I lived with assumption that he’s still alive. It hurts like hell. Jalani hari demi hari dan tetap berpura-pura baik-baik saja. It’s the main reason why I don’t wanna pass this CPNS test. I’m crying again when I write this. I wanna die. I fight with that crazy thing everyday.

I’m so sorry, mantan. khilaf kirimi kamu chat. Ingkar janji untuk kesekian kalinya. My brain is automatically kasi perintah untuk cari kamu. Don’t blame me, please. I want to set you free, I’ll try harder day by day. Lucky, you weren’t online to see it. Don’t interact with me, in the future, sebanyak apapun aku memohon.

Aya’s note. January 5^th, 2020