Hello, I come to this blog because I can't sleep. Help 😭 So, few hours ago, I decided to end my drama. Wkwk I'm tired with my plans that always end up with my bad habit by spamming my ex with random chats 😔  Intinya, I need him in my life, even not as my life partner.  Pure friendship, and no feelings involved. Semoga bisa.. Fighting Ya

i'm sad

Hello!!!!!!!

I’m back with this crazy post, cause I refused to share this one on facebook.

Last night, saat sedang sholat isya. Suddenly, nangis karena ngerasa dada aku sakit banget. TT Kedengarannya alay, but it happens to me. Bodohnya, I assumed that it connects with someone else’s emotion. Haha gila, I know that. If I rich enough, I’ll go to psikiater asap. I lived with my own opinion about something, that’s why I lost you. Cause in my brain cell, it assumed that you weren’t loved me anymore, that you’ll never introduced me to your family, that your mother won’t support us. That I’ll choose to die, if it happened in the future. So, without thinking, I end it. It hurts you, I know that. I lived with assumption that you are happy with our separation, that you love someone already. But it’s tidak penting lagi, btw untuk kamu. Even if I die, you won’t care.  

I wanna write this one, how I can’t let go my father, I look good outside, but I lived for six years with this empty heart. It sounds crazy, but I hate this city, because it keeps remind me that he’s already gone. I choose to leave this place six years ago, cause I lived with assumption that he’s still alive. It hurts like hell. Jalani hari demi hari dan tetap berpura-pura baik-baik saja. It’s the main reason why I don’t wanna pass this CPNS test. I’m crying again when I write this. I wanna die. I fight with that crazy thing everyday.

I’m so sorry, mantan. khilaf kirimi kamu chat. Ingkar janji untuk kesekian kalinya. My brain is automatically kasi perintah untuk cari kamu. Don’t blame me, please. I want to set you free, I’ll try harder day by day. Lucky, you weren’t online to see it. Don’t interact with me, in the future, sebanyak apapun aku memohon.

Aya’s note. January 5^th, 2020

awal tahun

Awal tahun 2020

Hello!!!!!!! After six years.

Finally, I decided to be active here. Karena dengan menulis dan aktif di blog ini mungkin bisa membuatku bisa untuk memegang komitmen untuk tidak aktif di facebook lagi. I closed it. Well, today, I watched  youtube’s video about kaizen. Youtube is really understand that one of my resolutions this year is stop being lazy. J  what I get from the video adalah bagaimana orang Jepang membentuk kebiasaan mereka sejak kecil untuk melakukan kegiatan kecil berulang-ulang. Wah, it’s really interesting for me, karena dalam video tersebut kita bisa mencoba untuk membentuk kebiasaan kecil setiap hari, meski hanya satu menit di waktu yang sama.

I’m already made a to do lists yesterday, yang berhasil aku lakukan hanya olahraga pada jam 7. Belajar, tunda karena terdistraksi video Taehyung. Help :’) Sholat subuh, ngaret setengah jam, karena download video Zumba. Ampun, it’s not easy untuk tepat waktu dalam mematuhi daftar to do list yang kubuat tersebut. L betul-betul ujian berat cause my first goal this year is lulus SKD, jadi yang terbaik. TT but I’ll try my best to do the rest of the to do list today. Ya Allah, may you give me a miracle to change myself this year. Karena tahun 2019 is the worst year, terlalu banyak drama dan air mata sia-sia yang terbuang. Butuh perjuangan panjang untuk benar-benar melepaskannya. God, I used to loving him for years. Sometimes, aku benar-benar iri pada orang yang bisa dengan mudah melepaskan. But I’ll fight my weakness this year, I’ll just stop myself from this sadness. I still love him, but we’re not meant to each other.  

Today’s quote from the video “melupakan mantan adalah usaha yang sia-sia, yang terbaik adalah dengan menerima bahwa masa lalu biarlah jadi masa lalu. Daripada melupakannya, lebih baik jika mengatakan terima kasih.”  Terima kasih kamu, untuk kali ini saja, aku tidak akan merusak harimu lagi.

See you tomorrow, cause I wanna apply kaizen in my life, I’m gonna write and update everyday. ^^

Aya ‘s note  on Jansuary 2^nd, 2020